i went to a funeral today. my cousin's. i haven't been to one since caroline delaporta's. strange how they are different as an adult. i had to read in the mass............................................ that was hard. i cried a lot at the funeral. i feel guilty for crying for things at sean's funeral that were not him. i cried for him. i cried for his family, his new baby, i cried that my brother doug was at the funeral with me (and not in a warzone), i cried that my parents were there and crying, i cried because bailey wasn't, for the start of her new life and the death of her old one, i cried for the death of many things this year, and i finally began to deal with something that i haven't dealt with or acknowledged (much) for the better part of this year. i am sorry sean. i know you are home.